


"I Didn't Know Humans Could Bend That Way....."

by WaveRider



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-01
Updated: 2013-07-01
Packaged: 2017-12-16 19:44:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/865877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaveRider/pseuds/WaveRider
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mordin takes time out of his busy schedule to bring some 'educational' videos to Garrus</p>
            </blockquote>





	"I Didn't Know Humans Could Bend That Way....."

**Author's Note:**

> I worry that I may not have gotten Mordin spot on. He is difficult to write. I don't know why he just is. Sorry if he doesn't sound right.

The door hissed behind him and Garrus straightened up, his arms tensing slightly. His fingers rested on the keys of the calibration computer. If Shepard was back to distract him some more with her teasing smile, he really wouldn't be able to concentrate on upgrading the Normandy's main gun.

Not without pouncing on Shepard.

And he didn't want to do that. Not yet anyway, he still didn't really know how the whole human love thing worked.

"Shepard..." He turned around, starting when he came face to face with Mordin. "Dammit Mordin! I'm surprised you managed to sneak up on me. You normally can't go 5 seconds without talking"

Mordin huffed "Of course I can sneak up on you, I was in the STG where the entire mission prerogative was to sneak around and ensure we got the intel needed to ensure the mission was successful. I have snuck behind enemy lines on Tuchanka to ensure that the genopahge remained intact. Krogan not known to be the most observant of species but they have excellent sense of smell, more likely to spot me than a Turian, but still I was undetected. Also offended that you thought I was Shepard. Shepard may also be offended by that observation and may decide to abandon her current line of attachment towards you."

Garrus hid his face behind his hand, rubbing his temple. This was not what he needed right now. He sighed

"Fine okay, I apologize Mordin. But why are you here? I thought you had important things to do?"

Mordin's eyes widened "Important things to do?" He started pacing up and down. Garrus groaned.

"Important things to do, of course I have many important things to do. Cell culture analysis will be finishing soon, and I must collect the results and apply it to theories and data already collated on the Collectors. I wish to perform tests on Grunt, understand what about him makes him more aggressive than seemingly normal aggressive Krogan, maybe collect information on the technology used to build him. Could prove useful in the future. Miranda wants me to run blood tests on her, no explanation as to why, something about doctors being wrong, second opinion..."

Garrus leant back against the desk, his arms folded against his chest, his eyes watching the incessant pacing. Shepard had said Yeoman Chambers had described Mordin as a "hamster hyper on coffee". Which would explain why Shepard was such a huge fan of Mordin. For a Alliance Soldier who could kill a thousand Geth to save the galaxy, and enjoyed chucking them around with her biotics (she made frequent references to 'rag dolls') , she had a seemingly unnatural attachment to her pet hamster and fish.

The hamster was simply a ball of fluff that squeaked, he didn't understand why any human would buy it as a pet. Especially Shepard. Although, the excitement in her eyes when she purchased the hamster from the Citadel gift shop was still a memory that made him smile. It was the first time he noticed how beautiful she was, but no thoughts of pursuing anything other than friendship even crossed his mind. Not until Shepard suggested that they "relieve stress" together.

He shook his head, confusion clear. But he straightened up slightly when he realized it looked like Mordin was coming to the end of his speech.

"...all of these things are very important, important to safety of the entire human population, could stop them being abducted. Information that help defeat Collectors. But I have abandoned all of these because a Turian asked me for help with a personal problem of his. So I came to help and all the Turian does is question why I am here"

Garrus dropped his arms from where they were folded against his chest. His interest piqued slightly. He hurriedly searched through his memories for what personal question he could have possibly asked Mordin to research for him. And then he stumbled upon an awkward conversation. One he raced through, eager to escape from the room as soon as Mordin promised to help.

Research into how Human relationships worked.

His mandibles twitched. If he could blush, he'd be as bright as those weird fruit like things called tomatoes that the human crew ate on a regular basis. He coughed covering up his discomfort.

"Ah... I err... see. What did you find Mordin?" His gravely voice sounded rougher than normal, he hoped Mordin wouldn't pick up on it.

Mordin pulled a small round pebble out of his pocket, the glowing orange edge indicated that it was a computer disc... and that it had content on it. He placed this disc in Garrus' outstretched hand, smiling slightly as Garrus eyed it warily.

"I have found some educational videos for you to view. Although I admit that acquiring this was... problematic". The glint in his eye was unmistakable, the unflappable scientist exterior was struggling to contain the obvious humour inside.

Garrus groaned, "What do you mean problematic?"

"My own research was particularly hard. A simple search on the human based networks left me inundated with millions of hits. Too many for me to search through. I had collector research to do, important research that can't be moved aside to search through for something to help you. So I went and asked for help... It is quite possible this will no longer remain secret"

Garrus stared at Mordin accusingly "You asked Joker for help didn't you?"

Mordin huffed "Heard no end of teasing from Joker. Seemed to want to make 'song and dance' about me, the professor, asking him for help. Amused him it seems. But he did transfer some useful videos onto that disc after he had finished laughing. He also wants me to tell you that you can come to him for tips and pointers should they prove inefficient for your needs."

Garrus felt his temperature rise a couple of degrees. "Jok... Joker knows?"

"Yes. Seemed happy for you. Said Shepard could do with some cheering up, Kaidan had hurt her more than she let on. May as well blow off some steam with her favourite sniper buddy"

Garrus coughed, the conversation growing ever more awkward by the second. The whole ship will know soon.

"I suggest that you watch the videos, Joker insisted that I allow you to watch it by yourself, he said that watching these 'educational videos;. I still do not know why he did air quotes, well he said that are not public group viewing. But I feel that I should watch with you to ensure that you absorb the right helpful techniques, maybe help you compare to Turian relationships."

This couldn't be anymore awkward if it tried. Garrus reluctantly turned around, his back to Mordin. He held the computer disc in his hand. Who knows what was on here? If Joker had a hand in its production... Garrus really didn't want to view its contents. But he felt Mordin's impatient hovering behind him, so he reluctantly shoved the disc into the slot on his computer. He closed down his calibration program and opened up the glowing file that had just appeared. Multiple video files popped up. He had no idea where to go next.

Mordin appeared at his shoulder his fingers blurring on the keyboard, in seconds he had one of the video files opened. A human female sat on the sofa, staring at a man sat next to her. Her smile was not playful like Shepard's, in fact it seemed forced, but the eyes were full of an emotion he couldn't put his finger on. But the look in her eyes made Garrus feel hot and uncomfortable, a strangely pleasant feeling very similar to the one he had when Shepard placed a soft hand on his shoulder and shot him that belly flipping smile.

The man on the screen grinned as he leaned out to grab a remote, pressing a few buttons. Soft music began to play and Garrus wished he could wrinkle a nose like humans could. It sounded off to him. But to someone who enjoyed listening the Turian National Anthem regularly, not a lot of music particularly appealed to him.

He glanced back at the screen. The woman was now lying on the sofa, her lips practically glued to the man her lay above her. The hands were blurs as they rubbed down each other, items of clothing seemed to disappear before Garrus eyes. Everything seemed so quick and practiced. Although in a few cases, the humans impatience won out and clothes ripped won seams. Mostly the male human's as his partner grew more desperate to touch his skin.

Garrus looked at his armour, the battle ready outfit that was not quick or indeed easy to take off. And it certainly couldn't rip. He imagined Shepard breaking her fingers if she even tried to. He'd have to wear his normal civilian clothes, it was easier to take off. But he felt more confident in his armour, this was the way Shepard knew him. Could he really go to her, as someone she didn't know?

He glanced down, doubts clouding everything. Noises came from the screen but he couldn't look. Could he do this? Really? What if he so easily disappointed Shepard. He leant both his hands on the desk, more to keep himself from falling. He felt Mordin nudge his shoulder. He spared him a glance.

"Are you listening to me Garrus? I am giving you important information here!" He huffed impatiently.

Garrus glanced quickly down, weighing up his choices, before glancing back. "Yeah. I'm listening Mordin. You were saying?"

"If you would actually look at the screen you might actually learn something. Especially since I was trying to point out the sensitive areas on the female human body." Mordin's gaze went back to the screen, Garrus followed but quickly regretted his decision, both humans were no intertwined in such a way, Garrus couldn't tell who was who. And the noises. Moans, and soft whispers. Garrus felt the heat rising in his cheeks again. He wanted to look anywhere else but the screen. He felt like he was intruding but Mordin appeared unfazed as he tapped his fingers on the screen indicting different areas on the poor women's body.

"The lips you have seen before, hard not to ignore when speaking to humans. Research suggest they do not only use the for speech. They also use them to explore their mating partners body. Something about taste and feeling them. It seems an unnecessary waste of time, Salarian mating ritual seems so much easier and productive in comparison. But humans seem to enjoy this time consuming process."

Garrus hurried to cover a coughing fit. An image of Shepard's lips brushing various parts of his body, feeling her smile on his arms, chest. Garrus didn't think his temperature could rise any higher, but it did. He must be glowing red around now, but Mordin had not noticed anything unusual. He still was speaking about various different sensitive areas on the female human's body.

"The entire skin of humans is naturally sensitive anyway, it helps them adjust and react to the environment around them, But after various biological studies, it seems human physiology has some similarities to Asari physiology in the fact their skin becomes more sensitive during acts of pleasure. The breasts" Mordin tapped the two lumps on her chest, where the man's face was currently buried "... these appear to be particularly sensitive. Take note, they prefer soft touch, not the usual rough touch of Turians. Some adjustments in your normal mating ritual may need to be addressed Garrus."

Garrus his his face in his hands. He wished Mordin would stop talking. This was too embarrassing. He couldn't take it anymore. Next time, if he needed help he wasn't going to ask Mordin. What made it worse, was he imagined this whole fiasco had already made its way around the Normandy crew, courtesy of Joker. He couldn't sit on a good piece of gossip.

He mad a mental note to remind Joker about the privileges of privacy when he glanced through his fingers back to the screen.

"Ahh. Now this is where the actual mating process begins. Apparently everything previously was actually a pre-cursor to the actual act of copulation."

Garrus watched as the man inserted something soft and floppy into... oh. He his behind his fingers again.

But somehow... his voice still managed to work.

"I knew... I knew humans put something into something. But I didn't realize it was like that..." His eyes were drawn to the screen again "Spirits. They don't put it in every hole do they?"

"It depends on the human, some only prefer it one place. But each 'hole' as you refer to it has a particular type of named mating ritual attached to it." But before Mordin could explain further, the doors to the room hissed open. Garrus stared in shock as Tali waltzed in. Oh no this day couldn't get any worse.

"Garrus I was hoping to find you in here, I was hoping that you could calibrate my shotgun for me, it seems to be shooting slightly to the lef... KEELAH! What are those humans doing!?" Her hand was raised to her mask, shock radiating from her body language. Garrus quickly rushed to turn off the the computer, proceeding to only make it worse by increasing the volume, causing the crew behind Tali in the mess area to stop what they were doing and stare. Garrus slammed a hand on the door release on his desk, shutting the doors. But Tali still remained in the room, she moved forwards slightly.

"Huh. I didn't know humans could bend that way. Their knees don't look like that could support that kind of movement. I suppose humans aren't as breakable as I thought..."

Garrus managed to shut off the computer this time. His embarrassment complete, he turned his back on Tali. He felt her gaze on him.

"Why are looking at, oh!" Her voice raised an octave as she finally put all the pieces together. She linked an arm with Mordin proceeding to pull him from the room.

Mordin began to protest but Tali shushed him. "I think it is time to leave. Garrus needs time to recover from his embarrassment. Especially seeing as Joker was upstairs shouting about a certain interstellar relationship on board the ship, Garrus might want to stay in this room for a while, especially if Joker wants to remain in one piece" She giggled before groaning "I guess I owe Jack money. She won the bet about who Shepard was interested in. I thought it was Joker, but I see now that that was mistake."

She moved to drag Mordin from the room, pausing to giggle again. "I would avoid Jack if I were you. She has some jokes about biting and scratch marks lined up for you." Garrus tensed his shoulders, as he could only imagine the torment he could recieve.

He heard the doors hiss open again, heard the amused murmurs of the crew.

"Oh and Garrus?" Tali's voice was soft, the previous humour gone.

Garrus turned around, his eyes wary for more joking, he glanced at Tali, Mordin still tucked protesting about various different things underneath her arm.

"Garrus, I hope you and Shepard are very happy. You both need some cheering up."

Garrus swallowed. "Thanks, Tali." He maned to get out, his voice more gravelly than usual.

Tali's glowing eyes beneath the helmet stilted up slightly, Garrus guessed she was smiling. The she left the room, dragging Mordin with her.

As soon as the doors hissed shut, Garrus slid to the floor. Tali was right. He was going to stay in this room for a while. But at least he wasn't going to get bored. Oh No.

He was going to plan a very elaborate and public payback for Joker. He was never going to see it coming.


End file.
